AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT: The Creative Fudge Technique

How our strongly held expectations may lead to disappointment and what to do about it.

DOORS ON A CLOSET

My wife and I were getting two doors put in a four foot opening to a closet.  We had already bought the doors, and asked the builders, Al and Ken, to put them in, knowing they didn’t fit exactly since the house was pretty old and not very straight.  Al took a few measurements and then said:

“Your door jambs are not totally vertical which would mean, if we left everything as is, that your doors would not swing horizontally, which would mean, to put it bluntly, bud, you wouldn’t actually be able to open your doors.  So, look Richard, there’s two things we could do:  we could make the jambs vertical, which would mean taking them right out, changing the dry wall and then replacing it.  Messy and time-consuming.  Or, and this would cost you about half as much, we could fudge it.”

“Hmm, tell me more about the fudge,” I said.

“Well, your door opening is wider at the top than the bottom.  Instead of trying to change the door jambs, we can make a widening space as you go up, between the jambs and the doors and also between the two doors.”

“What would you do in your own house?” I asked.

“Oh me, I’d use the fudge.”  

“OK,” I said, “fudge it is.”

The result was impressive.  Creatively and skillfully, Al and Ken made two rectangular doors fit a not-quite-rectangular space and it was hardly noticeable.   In fact, no one who saw the closet ever noticed, unless we pointed it out.  But when I looked carefully, I could see the spaces getting slightly wider as I looked up.  Somehow this gave me added pleasure, appreciating the skill with which they had thought out and constructed their creative fudge.

Well, all this got me thinking.  How many times do we try to make things fit into the rectangular boxes of expectation that we have constructed in our minds?  And then, when life throws us a curve ball, what do we do?  Do we complain that the curve doesn’t fit what we think is right, or do we enjoy the beauty — or at least the novelty — of the curve?  The Greek philosopher, Epictetus, had something to say about this.   Well, he’s known as a philosopher but you might also say he was one of the greatest psychologists ever known.   He pointed out that the only things we have any control over are our own thoughts, words and actions.  Since we cannot control what life brings  us, we waste our time and good energy lamenting about what we think should or shouldn’t come our way.  More than that, we give ourselves sorrow and then think this sorrow we have constructed is natural or reflects reality.  

 

E comes before D

If, on the other hand, we give up our expectations of how things should be, then happiness is ours, for then we can enjoy what is.   As Benjamin Franklin pointed out:  “Blessed is he who Expects nothing, for he shall never be Disappointed.”

But wait a minute, isn’t it good to expect good things?  Isn’t this a mark of optimism and doesn’t optimism create both increased opportunities and happiness?

Perhaps it all depends on how we expect.  Positive expectations can be really helpful, but things get problematic if there is some demand in our expectation, i.e. a belief that this is how things should be, or, to put it another way, when we are attached to our expectations coming true. 

How do we know there is demand in our expectation?  Easy.  We feel disappointment when it doesn’t manifest.   We have made an appointment with an imagined result in our own minds.  When this appointment is not met by reality, we feel the pang of dis-appointment.  Our imaginary appointment has been dissed by reality. We blame life for not conforming to our wishes and feel pain, not realizing that this pain comes from the appointment that we ourselves pre-constructed in our minds.  When friends, family or society in general all share the same expectations, it makes it even harder to let go of them.  

Freedom from these boxes of expectation creates contentment. 

But hey, does this mean we sit back and do nothing in zombiesque recline, acquiescing to whatever life brings?

Not at all.  We can work hard for what we want, without handcuffing ourselves to a particular result that may be beyond our control — for example any result that depends on what others do or don’t do!  Freedom, say the wise beings, is not being attached to the results of one’s actions.  It does not mean not acting.

Al and Ken did not have a demand that the space for the wardrobe doors be exactly rectangular, nor did they feel anger or disappointment that the space was irregular.  Instead they asked themselves the question:  OK, how can we make this work so that we all (our clients and us) are satisfied -  and how can we have fun doing this?   For any curve that life brings us, maybe we can ask a similar question.  After giving ourselves a little space and kind acceptance for any disappointment we feel that life did not meet our expectations,  we can ask ourselves:   “Given this new input from life, how can I find a creative way to make this work for all our happiness?”  And then perhaps we can take some satisfaction and positive pride in the delicious fudge we’ve created.

A short exercise for recognizing the expectations that lead to disappointment coming in a future blog.